This post is definitely inspired by the film Deux Moi (Someone, somewhere) directed by Cédric Klapisch that was just recently released in the cinemas in Switzerland. Aside from the film being beautifully filmed with the perfectly timed silent scenes, the idea behind the film is multilayered and so very much relatable to daily lives of humans in 21st century.
Without truly giving away the plot, I'd like to elaborate on a couple of key topics highlighted in the film:
Blindness: or perhaps a better word would be ignorance. We go through life focused on our jobs, our smartphones and social media, we sometimes pass by someone without really noticing the person because we are too much in our own heads. Sure, we all have issues be at work or in personal life and we sometimes get tangled in the thinking of trying to find a solution and get out of the web, but we ran around so much that we forget to stop and look up for a minute. Some of us do not even know their own neighbours, because let's face it aside from being blind we are all so very busy and there is never the time to make an effort. But what if the person you need to meet is living right across the street? or what if the next big break you are going to get is going to come from a stranger you smiled to at the coffee house and who would be then happy to help you advance in your professional career? why is it easier to stick our noses in the phones and then complain that there is nothing happening around us? Why don't we just open our eyes and souls to the world instead?
Loneliness: sadly, we are all familiar with this feeling. Loneliness has nothing to do with the fact whether or not you are in a relationship because you might be surrounded by thousands of people and still feel lonely. In fact, a relationship is not supposed to fill the emptiness in your heart completely, on the contrary, it is supposed to make an already whole person be the best version of themselves and for two people to be together, each should be a person on its own. Some of us get a pet to fulfil that void and actually, someone once told me that I should get a dog if I wanted to learn about love. Perhaps, they were right, the feeling of loneliness comes and goes in waves and we either choose to find creative ways to feel less lonely at times and prioritise ourselves or we give into that feeling, which is then, more often that not, followed by the feeling of self-pity. So, if you are reading this and you are feeling lonely - go out there and find a creative solution. Drinking or casual sex will only stop that feeling for a certain amount of time - find something that makes you happy - a hobby, a sport, make a new friend - but go out there and do not be afraid to feel vulnerable.
Fear: In the past, I have written a lot about fear and it is still the biggest enemy that stands between you and your dreams. Embrace your fears, face them and let them know that you are ready to strip down and feel vulnerable but you are a fighter and are ready to tackle the insecurities one by one - until the fear is a minor spot in the corner of your mind that does not influence your actions. If you love someone - pick up your phone and let them know, if you are unhappy at work - write that resignation letter and feel relief, if you are scared of heights - take a piloting class, you name it. Jump into your next adventure, and if you are lucky, your friends and family would be there by your side to make it happen. After all, what is the worst case scenario that could happen? As long as you are not putting lives in danger, you will survive the consequences, trust me.
Comfort: this is a tricky one. we are all looking for comfort but when it gets too close to comfort, we get scared. Maybe it is because we are looking for comfort in the unknown, whereas we should be finding comfort first of all in ourselves - learning to be at ease with ourselves, which will actually help to step out the comfort zone. and also look for comfort in friendships and our families - do not push the people that are close to you away.
Love: well this one is obvious, or is it? we often talk about love when we talk about loving someone else. we rarely talk about learning to love ourselves, maybe because there are more people that love themselves too much. or maybe because it is something that requires courage. we all look for love but see with time I am starting to realise that love is like happiness - it is not a destination - love is a state of mind, a choice that we make each morning and a journey that we take each day, and it is entirely up to us who we take with us on this adventure. People say that when you meet the one, you will know he is the one. And I am recently starting more and more to believe that this is the case. You feel it in the way they look at you, the shared touch and the silent moments, which say more than a thousand words - and it won't be about their weight or height, nationality or even their job. It would be about your heart connecting with theirs. Trust me, you'll see.
Self-awareness & Acceptance: I've grouped these together because often one leads to the other. It is often an introvert who would or could spend hours on self-analysis, which honestly, overthinking is not very useful - but being self aware is something that we should all be. Self -aware and self-accepted, being who we are and loving being that person leads us to more like-minded people and positive situations. In all honesty, I believe in the law of attraction and swear by it - so if you are not there, take time for yourself. Learn your likes and dislikes - do not be ashamed or afraid to be who you are and accept it as reality. Trust me - once you have this in your mind, great things are bound to happen to you.
ps: I am looking forward to Christmas hence the music below - not very related to the post :)
It is now somewhat a cliché that any single girl out there has her own perfect checklist, which she uses to identify if a guy she met will suit her for a long lasting relationship. While the cliché has been ironised and portrayed in various lights in all of American romantic comedies, most of the girls would deny the fact that there is a list. Well, the thing is that we all understand that the less you plan for love, the more unexpectedly it will hit you; and yet we somehow hopelessly hope for something magical. Perhaps, the fairy tales are to blame for the idealistic image that we have in our heads, or perhaps, we live in the world with so much drama, trauma and bitterness that we just pray for something sweet in our lives. Ironically, though men might not have a checklist, they also have an idea in their head of the perfect woman, and yet some settle for the next best thing, perhaps out of safety? Also, I may be terribly wrong in my thinking, so please do not take this post by the letter.
So what happens if you meet your perfect person, or who you think is your perfect person but they are already a) taken b) interested in you but only for one thing and c) not interested at all. Do you give up? Do you keep searching? Do your friends try and re-assure you that he was not right for you? Or is it option d) you both thought you were a perfect match until the day one of you breaks the trust? The thing is that in all of the above cases no checklist is going to help to resolve the issue and most importantly help you regain the trust in another person.
For the longest time ever, I have been doubting myself after the events that have accumulated in my life, and have been thinking that there is no way of turning the page and being able to let someone fully into my life and to be able to trust again. I knowingly chose people that were in my life, who I knew would sooner or later hurt me. This would mean that the events turn out as expected and no dreams would be shuttered, well at least at a lower cost.
All things considered and circumstances being as they are, personally, I am not sure to be completed ready to trust someone again but it is work in progress of course. Right now, I am just trying to give myself some space and most importantly time to heal and redefine what is it that makes me happy and what kind of person would make me be the best version of me. It is true that if one day I meet someone, I'd like to become a big part of his life, motivate and inspire him and so that we can be best versions of ourselves when we are together or apart. This of course, goes back to my initial purpose in life of making a difference in someone's life and leaving a meaningful footprint.
Recently, I have been asked to share my list, well not particularly this list, because I have many, but I have been trying to avoid this. Now that I do not really have much to loose or regret, here goes my perfect checklist:
Also a short list of my weaknesses:
Do we live in a generation where fear of commitment and responsibility slows down any chance of a relationship that can last for longer than 3 days? Is the reality of modern dating limited to one night stands and open relationships? Is the art of chivalry replaced by the art of seduction? Will the gallantry of 1920's make a comeback? Will it ever become "cool" to charm a woman again or will will our society just go downhill from now?
The true fear really should be that the answer to all of the above-mentioned questions might be "Yes". The society has a tiny percentage of people who want to settle down and sadly the chivalry is one of the rarest finds. Social Media is not helping in resolving this equation with numerous unknowns. Life that we see on Instagram is covered with filters and fake smiles. Yes, I am guilty of the social media phenomenon and I take part in the whole social circle of pretentious lifestyle - and yet for the most part I am doing this for me and not for anyone else (not that I am trying to find a justification for my behaviour). Occasionally, you would see an authentic post or two but the fact that it is on social media - makes it slightly less believable.
Aside from the "fake lives" on Instagram, social media gives the endless pool of opportunities for dating and there is always going to be that lingering feeling over your head to find out if there's someone else out there. In one way, the feeling is natural and I guess you would always doubt your decision no matter what - but you'd like to come home at the end of the day to the person who when you look in his eyes and he hugs you - you feel safe and you feel home: and no social media posts matter anymore.
I find the human behaviour rather fascinating and it is only by the observation that you make some interesting finds. How does one act in a situation tells a lot about their character. Sometimes, when you are on a bus and you see someone stare out of the window and smile - they are smiling when no one is watching, and in that moment you know they are happy. All these little details they matter, how does one act in anger - is also a tell: do they remain respectful or do they loose control?
Apologies, we went slightly off topic. The point is that the society today is shaping our behaviour and the way we interact with people. We go through life with the ups and downs and make a few mistakes along the way and then question every step you take. Is this because we are constantly in a race against time or in a rush to compare our lives to the others? I guess we just live in a generation of fear.
The list is endless and relevant to anyone out there. Some people say that I am simply overthinking but then am I? --> share your thoughts in the comments below.
A week ago, a friend of mine suggested that I do a post or better yet create a blog purely dedicated to dating, which would result in higher traffic and might be slightly more popular. I thought of it and after a careful consideration, I decided to vote against this. Dating is rather personal and in 21st century, dating is already so publicised via dating applications, and online status updates - that I feel like there should a be a little bit of intimacy and privacy left to the concept. So, I won't be doing a series of 100 Tinder dates, or series of ex-boyfriend experiences, trust me the exes do not want me to or they do not know that they do not want to be mentioned here yet.
It is, however, true that there are other single girls out there that are looking for their one big love, like Carrie Bradshaw once did. I understand their struggle, insecurities and the fear of societal pressure of not fitting in. When you get to the age, where every second weekend is reserved for a wedding, as a single twenty something, you start thinking and evaluating your life and although, you won't admit it publicly, you secretly wish for what your friends' have: a stable relationship, a family, and a life outside of work that does not require meeting someone new each evening and tell the same story of your life all over again. Ever feel this way?
Well, there is a lot to be said about dating in the 21st century, but I decided to talk about something rather generic and fun. So let's talk about the 10 types of guys you are bound to meet on Tinder.
I've been on and off Tinder for a couple of years now, and had both good and bad experiences with the app. Being someone who is looking for a serious relationship each time, the irony I KNOW, I am very careful with whom I actually meet in person. Anyway, there is my list - comment below if you can relate:
Today, I have really been inspired and I wanted to share my thoughts with you on friendships. We go through various stages of our lives and make friends as we go along on the journey of life. Sadly, or as life would have it - we do not always get to stay in touch with the friends that we have made in elementary school, high school or even college. All we get is an occasional Facebook notification to congratulate XXX on their wedding or on a birth of a child. In some ways, this makes you re-asses your own life and makes you want to reconnect with the friends from your past to catch up and reminisce about the good old days.
However, there is that slight minority of people, with whom we stay in touch for years, decades and we know we will have each other in our lives no matter the distance nor the time zones. Being surrounded by friends is what keeps us going every day: having a shoulder to count on, someone who has our backs. If you have the circle of friends that you have created for yourself - appreciate them, do not hurt them and take care of them.
So, today, I would like to talk about friendship between men and women. The endless question is this even possible? In my 20 something years, I have been through this one too many times to know the challenges of such friendships.
So, as I am the walking example of relationship mishaps - I've been there as well. I've become friends with someone, who ironically today is a very close friend of mine, and when we became friends, for a moment there was a spark and we went for it. Yes, it was great while it lasted but then when it was over our friendship was a fly at risk - and for me to be able to keep up this friendship is a sign of maturity on both of our parts.
As someone wise once said, any kind of relationship should not be complicated, as soon as it gets weird or tense - turn the other way. And just as any relationship - friendships take time and effort and need to be maintained, it is a two way street so to speak.I am thankful to have the people in my life that I can call friends and thankful for all their support over the years.
The question remains however: what do you do if you are in the friendship - friend zone limbo? Do you act on your feelings and put the friendship at risk? Can you overcome the break up if that happens and still be friends? Do you have friends in common - would that have an impact on them? Or do you just screw everything to pieces and take a shot - because if you do not kiss the person you will never find out what you may be missing out on?
As a hopeless romantic, I would say go for it. And yet as someone who has been there, I would say boyfriends/girlfriends come and go and friends they stand by our side forever.
What inspired me to write about this? Well, I think that it is a subject of interest for many of us out there - I am myself in no way involved in any friendships of such kind, the past is in the past and the page must be turned over. You learn from your experience and keep only good memories for the future chapter of our lives, right?
*I do not own any rights to the picture below - it is used for the blog post only
In the last couple of weeks, I have come upon an observation that we take relationships and matters of heart, well, way too close to heart. It is the truth universally acknowledge that the simpler we are and the less we look for love, the more unexpectedly it finds us. That being said, there is nothing wrong with being playful and playing the field until you find someone you are feeling your best with. That's right, you are not looking for someone to complete you, this is an illusion. You are looking for someone who brings out the best in you and accepts you at your worst, and someone you are happy to accept when they are at their lowest point and encourage them to be a better person.
Someone once said that it is not necessarily the person that makes your knees weak, and your palms all sweaty that will be your THE ONE. It is the person that you are most comfortable and calm with, the person that makes your bad day better and with whom breakfast is just that much more delicious. It is someone that you enjoy waking up to and saying goodnight too - first thought in the morning and last thought at night.
So, many of us out there start questioning love and how it works, and start thinking why is it that they cannot find someone in the world full of options. Some people start overthinking the matter to the point that they want to change countries - I am one of those people. I thought that relocation might be the answer to this unsolvable question. And yet, life has proven me wrong. Some people, overthink the matter that they become less confident in themselves and search for answers and want to dig deep until their questions are answered.
Social media and dating apps are only a brief momentary distraction, which for a second help us to see that not all hope is lost. They reinstate hope, at least for a one night stand, and they boost your confidence level, well at least for one night. Yet after that night is over - you are back to square one - questioning your own existence in pursuit of happiness. That is another mistake on our parts by the way, we think that our happiness depends on whether or not we are in a relationship. Well, remember, happiness is a state of mind, and it is the journey not the destination, so whether you are single or coupled up as long as you feel happy, that is all that matters.
Anyway, back to my original point: the pursuit for love should be simplified:
So no matter what you do, Keep It Simply, Stupid. Yes, in that order - simply and stupid and do not be afraid of being yourself. If you pretend to be someone else, how would someone notice your uniqueness and your awesomeness.
We live in the world of digital dating and in the world of overthinking. Sometimes we try to find happiness so hard that we do not see what is right in front of us, and sometimes, the fear of commitment takes the best of us. At first I thought that this issue only exists in Switzerland, a country where the young people are relatively close and less outgoing, which makes it that much more difficult to meet someone in a bar, or at a party.
After having had a few conversations with my friends from all over the world, I figured it is not just a Swiss problem, but it is the generation of today. We find it easier to hide behind a dating app then to make contact in person for various reasons: if we get rejected - we do not have to face that person, we can just un-match, if we see that the conversation is not going well, we can just stop replying, well you get the picture.
Whilst the dating apps can be fun for a while, it may get boring or repetitive after a certain time. Honestly, out of several matches, I have probably agreed to 10 dates out of which there were only 3 that I actually went on. I hate to admit this, but I cancel often on the dates, not because the person is not interesting or what not - but simply because if I see that there is no spark or potential - I do not see the point going on any further. I still believe that in in-person contact and that when you meet your person, you know it, because you both feel it.
Anyway, as a single 26 year old, I have decided to write about the struggles that every 20 something might experience while being single, so here it goes:
The thing is that whether it is dating apps, meeting at work or at a bar, when you meet your person - you will know it right after. At the end of the day, it is the butterflies in your stomach, the little hearts in your eyes and the feeling of warmth that come over you when you look at the person you like and you know right away that they feel the same way. It is in the eyes of your partner, when you talk to him/her and you can feel that they are looking at you and smiling with their eyes. It is when in silence, you can still hear their laughter and feel comfortable with not saying anything - because it means so much to you to just hold hands and be together. So no matter the struggles, there is someone out there for everyone and maybe, we need to go and meet more than two people in our lives and maybe we need to go and make mistakes before we finally come to meet someone we get to call MY PERSON.
Today, I would like to talk about heartbreaks. Some of you are reading this and asking yourself "why did she pick a sad subject for today's post"? Well, that is precisely why. Breaking up is hard and depressing and we think that our world is crashing but then maybe we are so blinded by our momentary pain that we do not see the silver lining of the situation.
Every goodbye, and every heart break is a lesson that comes into our life when we need it most. Throughout any relationship you discover the person you are with and learn so much about yourself. The thing is that with time we grow, as people, and it may happen that you have outgrown your partner in one way or the other and although you still love them and probably always will love them, you cannot be together because it may be is not challenging anymore or you drive yourself towards something that your partner is not ready for yet.
Break ups are like mosquito bites. At first, you don't fully realise that this is happening, then you notice some irritation and then you try to get rid of this irritation, in a break up scenario this may be calling you ex when you should not, and then after a few days, you go back to normal like the break up never happened.
The thing is that I am thankful to all my exes and for everything they have taught me and for making me the person that I am today. I used to not believe in a potential friendship between exes and actually I still do not. If you are over - you are over - no looking back.
Those of you reading and knowing my life story must be thinking what a hypocrite. Well, it is different when you break up with someone you were never in a relationship to begin with. An almost relationship heartbreak is the worse. You were never together so you do not get to cry about the break up or dink up your sorrow because it was never exclusive, it is more like loosing a longterm crush. And yes, you can recover from this and still be on good terms with the person. Maybe on some strange level, this is called maturity.
Breaking up is never easy - but think about it: every break up brought you to a new person, a person you are probably seeing now or someone you are going to meet soon. I think that is positive because if there was no break up, you would not be who you are, you would not have met the person you are in love with today, you would still be making same mistakes as before and your life would be as steady as it could ever be. Every relationship has to evolve and progress at some point.
I also see heartbreaks as a sign from above protecting you from a possible future life that would not be good for you. Life has a way of figuring itself out and yes, sooner or later the right person will walk into your life and you will not have to go through a break up anymore, just trust yourself and trust life and learn from your past to create a better present.
Many of us out there often confuse the feeling of being alone and the feeling of being lonely. If you are reading this and asking yourself "well what is the difference?" - keep reading.
For one to feel alone and feel comfortable with this feeling one needs to be comfortable with their own self, comfortable with being alone, and not needing anyone else to make their life better. One needs to realise that they are a good company and appreciate themselves and therefore, know their value and worth. Being alone is nothing to be ashamed of or scared of, though many of us out there are in fear of facing our own thoughts alone. One can be in a healthy relationship and still have days when they feel like they need their alone time e.g. read a book in a coffeeshop, take a spa day or simply go on a hike and reconnect with oneself. Being alone does not necessarily mean that one is upset or tired or has a sense of longing, or missing someone.
Feeling lonely is a feeling that can be felt when we are single or in a relationship. When you are in relationship and you still feel lonely, re-think your relationship. How is this possible, you may ask. Well, think about it: does your partner listen to your stories? does he/she care about how your day went? are they considering your feelings when making an important couple's decision?
I have been in a relationship before, where I felt the loneliness at nights though I was not spending the night alone. And there were times when I felt more as a whole and happy, when I was completely alone.
So what to do and how to deal with lingering feeling of loneliness?
If you are in a relationship and feeling lonely - hit pause. Take a day off and spend sometime on your own. Try to think about where you are in a relationship and go back to the roots of why this feeling came upon you in the first place. The next thing would be to talk to your person about this and see how the conversation goes. Whatever happens next is entirely up to you.
If you are single and you are feeling lonely, well, that's a very common issue. Just remember not to settle for someone you do not love, just because you feel like you want someone to be part of your life to kill the lonely nights. Do not dive into something just for the sake of it. Trust me it will hurt more in the long run when you settle for something just because you fear that this feeling of loneliness will never go away.
Trust me when you find your soulmate, you will feel it. You will see it in their eyes, you will have similar ideas and tastes and you will never feel bored together. You will never have to doubt how they feel about you. Most importantly, you will feel that they are willing to fight for you and they accept you for who you are and for them you are perfect just the way you are.
Do not feel tempted or rushed or pressured by the society to be with someone. Do not let that feeling of loneliness overcome you. Remember sometimes being alone is better than being with someone who simply does not care about you and makes you feel lonely.
As per some requests over the winter break, I am now embarking on the journey of blogging and sharing my thoughts with you on the matters of heart. For this particular post, the feelings, advice and lessons learnt come from my personal recent experience and so I feel deeply for anyone out there that is now in an ALMOST relationship. First of all, let us define what an almost relationship even means: in my dictionary this term refers to an open relationship, where one of the party would not commit for 100% and yet would lead on hope for an exclusive relationship nonetheless. Others define an almost relationship, as follows:
An almost relationship is like a real relationship but it's never actually defined as such. You have the same experiences, feelings and moments without the title.
Being in an almost relationship, well quite frankly, sucks. Whether you are a woman or a man that find yourself in such situation, you would know that you feel like you are giving your all to a person who cares only just a bit. You can never take trips together, go to shows, barely display any affection in public and sometimes when one of these actually takes place - you have your hopes high again. Well, maybe our relationship is shaping up - you may think. Yet a few weeks, or days down the line you are back at square one.
It is hard to realise when you are in almost relationship, especially, if it has been going on for a while and you have developed feelings for someone. In some cases, an almost relationship could start off as being friends with benefits, or with the words "let's enjoy the moment, who cares about the labels?", And then in a blink of an eye, you find yourself 4 months later questioning if the other person is seeing other people, what status you hold in his/her eyes and is there even a future for a relationship. We can be so easily blinded by the feeling of love that even after we talk to our person and tell them how we feel, we keep on making excuses for them, defending them in the eyes of our friends and family. Sometimes we go deep into denial of the situation, and live on the hope that one day, everything will fall into place as it should. So here's tough love my darlings: if a person wants to be with you, they will be - no excuses. Ladies, if a guy is thinking about you, he will message you. If he loves you, he won't cheat on you, because you do not hurt someone you love and you respect your own choice of a significant other. Trust me, I learnt this the hard way.
The thing is, we often go into an almost relationship because we are either lacking self confidence, or have just gotten out of a complicated relationship and having someone around you without any sign of a commitment could be seen as an easy solution to the problem. However, in all this beautiful mess one may never forget self respect. Remember that you are worth so much more and you are good enough to be someone's girlfriend or boyfriend and if the bloody idiot does not see it - run away or move them to a strictly friend zone area.
Once you realise that you are in an almost relationship, which may take some people 4 months or a year, you have to figure out how to deal with it. Personally, I went on a cleanse and hence the series of posts on a Make Over. I even drew out my life, on the left side drawing my current situation and on the right side drawing what I wish for, I have used diagrams to help me figure out who I am and why I am feeling so upset and depressed all the time. It is because there was a person in my life that did not value me for who I was and indirectly this was affecting my self-confidence.
If I could list down a few things one should always remember when being in any relationship this would be it:
I am sure there are a few other things one could add to the list. Being in an almost relationship hurts because you loose someone or miss someone you never truly had in the first place. And that is the worst kind of stage of missing someone. You are strong enough to handle an almost relationship, when you realise that this person is not the only one in the world, and you are worth more than that.
When you hit this realisation, you start living for yourself, you are not afraid to close the door or at least shut it for a while to the person who hurt you the most and start to truly enjoy your life. When you are enjoying your life, you become like a magnet for positive energy and are attracting the people with similar vibes and habits and interests to yours. Girls also tend to change their hair style, some other people take up fitness or learning a new language or playing an instrument - all of which are positive distractions and will help you move forward.
You learn a lot from your almost relationships, you need to confront and accept the situation as it is, embrace and spin it to your advantage. You become the person you are supposed to be, and it prepares you for the next relationship you will have with a person who will make you happy, and will appreciate you for who you are.